Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
