I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
