Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Randomize
