Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Randomize
