Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
