i was rollin on her like bob the builder
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
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