My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
