I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Randomize
