Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
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