Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Randomize
