Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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