the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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