dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
