you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
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