Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
