just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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