I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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