This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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