I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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