I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
