I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize