We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
