His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
