dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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