the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
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