hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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