I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
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