Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
