ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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