In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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