good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
you traded sex for a burrito?
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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