Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
He kissed a someone with a penis
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
