I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize