Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize