She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
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