all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
