How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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