He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
