There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
