you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
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