Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize