i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
Randomize
