Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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