she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
