I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
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