4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Randomize