her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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