hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
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