I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
