I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
And my parents said I crawled through the house
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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