i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Randomize
