Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize
