When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
