Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Randomize
