listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
