I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
She looked like Sean Connery with cleft lip. So to answer your question, yes I put it in her butt.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Randomize
