I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Randomize
