Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
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