I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
