What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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