the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
