I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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