Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
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