oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
