Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
