I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
