im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Randomize
