using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
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