I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Randomize
