I saw his package. It spoke to me.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
