I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize