Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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