I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
we got sick of 7 11 doubles so we made up a game where you just drink when anyone rolls a 5
thats barely a game just flip a coin
should we drink on heads or tails?
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
