The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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